Now… I don’t really do Christmas. Not in a big way and most certainly I don’t go crazy decorating my house; not since leaving my Mum’s place. Since shacking up with Dave, that’s become more and more the case, as his acknowledgement of the annual festivities generally consists of a nativity scene made with the assistance of a giant tiger (with a red nose), a (purple) rubber duck and several small wax piggies. Similarly, in my general hate of all things snowy, the only concession I made to last year’s snow, was the construction of a particularly small (and therefore cute) snowman which guarded the front door to the flat for a good fortnight.
However… this year, as you may have guessed from the title of this particular blog post, I have come across a decoration that I’m more than happy to plaster all over my house in excessive, if not frightening numbers. I am, of course, talking about The Porn Star.
Not what you were expecting? No probably not, you loveable, filthy minded perverts! But I’m still going to tell you how to make one – I’m nice like that.
One (or several) of these beautiful, hand-made porn stars can decorate your home in time for Christmas following this handy step-by-step guide. I realise that’s tomorrow, but I promise, these are really (really) easy to make, and good for shiggles too.
You will need
A sense of humour (don’t forget this one, its important)
Porn (six pages)
Glue (a glue stick works best)
Sticky tape (if you don’t have glue)
Stapler and staples
~and remember, if any of the pictures aren’t big enough , you can click on them for the full sized version.
Step One – Write some porn
Sounds simple, but part of the reason I had so much paper knocking around this month was after printing off each draft of the short erotica piece I wrote for Mitzi Szereto’s call for submissions. I tackled this right after coming to screeching to a halt from NaNoWriMo and spent a very pleasant fortnight fending off dreams of sweaty, naked bodies, so I could actually write something worth publishing. I’ve not heard back yet, if you’re curious, but I’m particularly pleased with that story regardless, so I may put an excerpt here in the new year. Anyway… that’s step one; write some porn (incidentally it was erotica that I wrote, but for some reason an ‘erotic star’ just didn’t sound as good as a ‘porn star.’ So there we go. Oh and YES, there IS a bloody difference!!!).
Step Two – Destroy The Porn
You’ll probably do this anyway, particularly with your first and second drafts (it should be high quality porn for the best stars after all!). But in my case, each draft I printed, I hacked to death with my trusty red pen of editorial goodness. Which meant that after going back to the PC, I had several versions of the same story littering the house. Copies that I swiftly gathered up, wanting to avoid the embarrassment of having to explain why two naked men were sitting on each other, to an incredibly curious eight year old. Yes, yes, it was a same-sex piece; I figured that might at least make me stand out a little (and it was damn fun to write too).
Take the first page of your porn and form a square. If you printed yours on A4 sheets, like I did, then you’ll have to do the triangle foldy thing and cut off the excess like in the picture. Keep the excess for later if you like… we can make a smaller star with it.
Step Three – Fold The Porn
A nice easy step (particularly if you had to trim down some A4 paper). Fold the paper in half along the diagonal to make a triangle. And then fold it in half to make a smaller triangle.
Step Four – Dice The Porn
We’re not really going to dice it. We need to be quite careful with this bit actually, as you don’t want to cut too far. Hold your small triangle like in the picture (flat edge facing right, open end towards you – sorry if you’re left handed o.O) and cut three straight lines into it. DO NOT cut all the way to the end (seriously; you’ll ruin it!) and try to keep them evenly spaced all the way along (more advanced stars can take more cuts, but for now, let’s stick with three; you’ll be grateful later). Once you’ve done that, unfold your triangle until its a square again and make note of the diamond shapes you’ve cut into it that don’t quite join in the middle.
Step Five – Stick The Porn (I love these titles)
Take the inner two flaps (for want of a better word) and use a dab of glue (or sticky tape) to stick them together in a loop. This is the fiddly finger part, but you’ll do fine if you started with an A4 piece of paper. Then, turn the square over and take the next two flaps and loop them the other way, sticking them together with a dab of glue. Keep turning the square over and looping the flaps up towards you to get alternating loops. The end result should look something like this:
REPEAT STEPS TWO TO FIVE WITH FIVE MORE PIECES OF PAPER.
…which should result in a collection of six loopy things which look like this:
Exxxcellent! These are going to make the body (and ends and middle) of your six-pointed star.
Step Six – Assemble The Porn
Take three of your points and hold them together at one end. You can use more glue for this part, but I find the stapler much less hassle. Staple the three ends together until they’re neatly joined and do the same with the other three.
What you have now should look like this:
Stick each of the points together where the outer loops meet so that the star holds it shape when hung. *snicker* We want a well hung porn star after all.
Take the two halves of your star and staple them together in the middle, repeating the gluing process on the loose sides.
Step Seven – Admire Your Porn Star
Hey, you did it! Fabulously awesome! Your very own, hand-made porn star, ready to hang up in your window for the pleasure of your Christmas guests.
And, depending on how dexterous and nimble you’re feeling, you can make these as small as you like! Though I think when I got to the excess of the excess of the excess (from the original A4 sheet) I had glue all over the place and a lump of paper that looked nothing like a star (I’m not showing you that one; it was a mess).
Anyway, that’s it from me; have a very Merry Christmas and I’ll catch you all in the aftermath.
Oh and seriously… if any of you actually make one of these, please, please, PLEASE send me pictures! Or at least leave a comment to tell me about it. I want to know I’m not the only crazy person out there.